My thoughts and musings on living a straight, Christian life while dealing with same sex attraction (SSA). Respectful comments are welcomed.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006


I have always loved this picture. The artist (David Linn) described it's meaning this way: "Living the gospel demands that we help one another climb upward out of the darkness of the world into the light of truth. As the Lord's Church, we form a living chain on the mountain of this mortal existence drawing one another toward the veil, and the presence of the Lord."

Too often, those of us with this issue let our shame keep us struggling in solitude. We need to reach out to others for support and fellowship. Including me. I don't call someone often enough when I am struggling. I going to try to do better at this. I hope you guys do, too.

Sunday, January 29, 2006


My Sunday school teacher is a stud. Do you know how distracting that is? Here I am trying to focus on the lesson and be spiritual, and looking at the teacher, I see a physique I admire and want to be like. Having noticed it before, I made it a point to get to know him a bit to see him as more than his build. He's a good teacher with a powerful testimony, and seems like an all around nice guy. I had succeeded in seeing him differently, but found it a little more distracting after he moved in a way that showed off his build. After that I was distracted for the whole lesson.

Stinks, huh? At least I am able to recognize it as something and someone I admire and even envy, rather than something sexual. Still, I can't spend too much time thinking about it. I know that if I dwell on it when I notice such things, it can in turn lead me to start looking at things sexually (or to look at sexual things). That's part of why I am blogging about change my focus and break the train of thought.

Maybe I need to just start working out so that I am not so envious. Maybe I'll post on my other blog where I am much more public about my identity.

Fairly comfortable in the closet

I never have been one to tell many people about my struggle. I think there are several reasons for this. There are members of my family who couldn't get past it, there are people at work who couldn't get past it, and there is the possiblity that it would hurt or limit me professionally. Because of these, it hs become habit to keep it in and I don't tell too many friends. Consequently, I only tell people I know I can trust. I would like to be able to be more open about it, but am not willing to risk the fallout and strain on relationships. I guess you could say I am still pretty well closeted.

Not being able to talk about it doesn't make it any easier, which one of the reasons I joined an Evergreen support group. It's also one of the reasons I started this blog. I enjoy getting comments from people with their thoughts, and I enjoy reading other blogs and hearing about what it's like for others. I actually take some support from that.

So, thanks!

Thursday, January 26, 2006

I need to get moving!

Hmmmm...It has been a very busy week. I have had lots of thoughts, but most have going into comments on other blogs. One thing that did rock my view of where I'm at is a scripture (2 Ne 28:20) that says wo be unto him that is at ease in Zion! 2 Ne 28:20-32

I realize that I am too casual about how I live the gospel, in spite of my convictions that it is true. I had to ask myself if I had been pacified and lulled away into carnal security, and I didn't like the answer. Guess I had better get to work!

Monday, January 23, 2006

Why I Fight

Reading back over my previous posts, I realize I could easily be seen as being on a high horse. I don’t consider myself better than others. I have my weaknesses and struggles too. I still have same sex attractions…particularly to men who have good builds. I am still tempted to look at porn and to masturbate, and at times I slip. There is no doubt that it feels good, and those feelings are powerful. In the end, though, I don’t want these things. I want to be worthy to give my wife and children blessings when they are sick or facing difficult challenges. I want to be free from the guilt that comes with self-indulgence and sin.

I have experienced that guilt first hand. I used to be very into pornography, and can tell you that it felt great, but there was always the guilt that followed it. Speaking from experience, sex is much more enjoyable without the guilt. I know, some would say that if I let go of the guilt, I would be happier, that it is a neurotic guilt. I disagree. The guilt was not a learned thing. Conscience is not a neurosis. It is the something we are all born with, and unless we rationalize it away, it can and should be our guide to a happier life. As a matter of fact, the inability or refusal to feel healthy guilt is sociopathic. Still, people say that you should do what you feel and that we have these feelings for a reason and should embrace them. No one would suggest embracing feelings such as hate and anger, but people believe that what you feel sexually should be embraced over one’s intellect and spirit…does anyone else see the contradiction there?

No matter what the theories of men say, and how people rationalize giving in to what they feel, God’s truth is universal, and there are consequences for our choices. What I know of God’s truth, I know too well to rationalize it away. You see, I have a testimony of the religious principles which I claim as my own. I could no more deny that than I could deny the law of gravity. And I know that guilt is only one of the consequences for wrong choices.

The desire to be free from guilt and my testimony are the reasons I fight this battle. I know what is waiting after this life, and I don’t want to jeopardize it. I know that living the gospel (no matter what desires may pull at me) is the key to happiness in this life.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Tests, Storms and Truth

I found this quote by Henry B. Erying today:
"The great test of life is to see whether we will hearken to and obey God's commands in the midst of the storms of life. It is not to endure storms, but to choose the right while they rage. And the tragedy of life is to fail in that test and so fail to qualify to return in glory to our heavenly home. . . .It will take unshakable faith in the Lord Jesus Christ to choose the way to eternal life. It is by using that faith we can know the will of God. It is by acting on that faith we build the strength to do the will of God. And it is by exercising that faith in Jesus Christ that we can resist temptation and gain forgiveness through the Atonement."

I also found this quote on another blog (and he says it much better than I can)
The gospel IS true. There are NOT mistakes in it. We are NOT forgotten nor abandoned by God. And, most importantly, we were NOT made by God to be gay. And just in the same way that I can't provide empirical statistical data to show the veracity of the Book of Mormon, or the plan of salvation, I simply can not provide that kind of "proof" of my testimony of these things either. And I wouldn't want to be able to.
OK, so it doesn't have the same impact that it did in context of his original may want to read it.

So many in the liberal establishment will tell us that we are prejudiced, bigoted, immature, closed-minded, etc for sticking to our convictions. I could go on and on about how so many think it is offensive to be conservative, but conservatives can't be offended without being seen as prudes. But I won't. I will say that it would be SO much easier to go along with the crowd, or to give in to desires that are inappropriate in God's eyes, especially when we are being told left and right to give in and do what you feel, to let the storm toss us where it will. Well, that's not why were here. The test is to see if we will use our intellect and our spirit to overcome our base desires and urges and live as God has commanded us. And for those who think I am out of touch with this opinion, I am ok with that. I am only out of touch with the theories of men. God is the most sure fountain of truth, and as long as I am not out of touch with Him, then I'm in good shape.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Some people just don't get it

I did a search on blogger today to see how many other blogs there are with the same theme as mine. I stumbled across a blog entry by a gal who has several gay friends about 4 "gay Mormons." She posted links to the blogs of those 4 self-confessed "gay Mormons," and I couldn't help but think that some of them have missed some crucial points.

For me, it is just this simple: we have been told that we "shall live by every word which proceedeth forth out of the mouth of God," and that we should take the words of the prophet as if they came from God's own mouth. This makes issues of right and wrong very simple. The Proclamation on the Family makes it very clear how we should live, including those of us with SSA. Now, if you don't believe that the LDS church is led by a prophet, then that's different, and if you call yourself Mormon and don't believe that, then you need to do some soul searching. I do believe this principle, and know that following him is the right thing to do. When people talk about deprogramming in those posts, I don't see how they can believe that the church is led by a prophet. Some of them say that they believe in the church, but not it's stand on homosexuality. IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY...IT'S ALL OR NOTHING (imho). It's not a smorgasbord where you can pick and choose.

One of the 4 mentioned above talked about going on gay dates, and had talked himself into believing that he could be an upright member of the church. It really appeared that he couldn't see that this was one of the first steps in walking away from the church.

Part of having SSA (at least for me, and I know for quite a few others as well) is about not having had adequate male bonding in my life, about the unfulfilled need for healthy male relationships. I can't say that I haven't thought about what it would be like to indulge my desires and have a relationship with a man. Since I don't know very well how to build normal healthy male relationships, it's easy to imagine something else. But, I value what I get from being a member of the LDS church more. That is why I have stayed the course, served a mission, found a wonderful woman I could love and marry in the temple. That is why I have tried to fulfill the callings I have had honorably and keep my desires in check, and to find healthy appropriate ways to meet those needs.

Maybe I just value my membership in the church more than they do. I certainly value it more than the short lived pleasure I would get from indulging my desires. Maybe it really is as simple as "they just don't get it."

An Introduction - Gay vs SSA

Well, I am doing it...I am joining the world of bloggers to spout off my thoughts to the world. I find myself in the somewhat unique position of being LDS and dealing with same sex attraction. I reject the label of being gay, as that implies an acceptance of the lifestyle and the orientation. I reject both, and am determined to live a Christian life. I am not gay, but I do deal with same sex attraction.

I am writing this as a form of self-disclosure, to be able to talk about the issue, but I will not be talking about myself a lot (at least not in specifics). I am an active LDS man, married with kids, and I'm temple worthy, though not perfect. I still notice and think about men, but I am trying to improve my track record on that, as I work on dealing with my same sex attraction or SSA.

I subscribe to the reparative therapy philosophy (instead of the gay-affirmative philosophy). The reparative philosophy is that orientation can be changed, that it isn't set in stone. There is plenty of research to back this up, people just don't hear it due to the liberal establishment. If you want to know more, you can go to one of various websites to learn more... Evergreen International is a good place to start. If you want more info on my point of view, just ask. Or, wait and I will put up some links on my blog. Whether you agree with this position or not, it is my position. I am not writing this to invite criticism or argument, but to explore my journey in dealing with SSA. Questions are welcomed, arguments are not.

Anyhow, that's a good basic overview of my position. Questions??