My thoughts and musings on living a straight, Christian life while dealing with same sex attraction (SSA). Respectful comments are welcomed.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006


I never intended for this blog to be a pulpit for the church's position on dealing with SSA, which is what it has become. The fact that I believe the church's position every bit as much as some believe it is wrong, is beside the point. Because I have stated it as factually as I believe it, some are upset with me. I have been called self-righteous, arrogant, bigotted, been told I am using reaction formation, and quoted as if I had said things with a big "neener neener" (someone actually used those words). I was harsh in one post (and have left it there for the record), and I have apologized to those who were offended, but I also will not alter my conservative stance just because it is offensive to those who are more liberal. (I still say that if one is lobbying the prophet to change his stance based on social or political pressure, then that contradicts the very idea of upholding him as Prophet who speaks for God on earth.)

The sad thing is that I would never speak so bluntly in person. I would make the same points, but I really am much more diplomatic in person. Not long ago, I told a friend that I thought he was making a mistake to date men, that it was taking him away from where he wants to be (based on things he had told me about his goals what he wants). And I was able to do so without giving offense.

Still, I didn't start this blog to spout off from a soapbox. I started it to work out my thoughts and feelings about this issue. The fact is, I don't know if this is really a safe arena for me to do that anymore. Some have been fairly argumentative with me, and some have been openly hostile. As such, I have some trepidation about revealing sensitive thoughts and issues. I'm not saying this to whine, but to express my concerns.

I realize that this is a sensitive and controversial issue, and that not everyone will agree. I don't mind respectful disagreement, but when people get argumentative and/or hostile with me on my own blog, it's irksome.

Monday, March 13, 2006

What's Important

El Veneno said: It’s a Job-like perspective. All I have to do is get through the now and eventually God will even the score. In the mortal perspective, things could be a lot better.

…and this: I don't want time to keep passing me by. I wish there were a pause button so I could stop and figure stuff out before I go any further. The future freaks me out. I'm scared of looking back in 20 years and feeling like I've wasted my time. I already feel like I've wasted so much time.

I had really felt like I had learned how to cope with stress and trials, to take that Job-like perspective. And most of the time, I think I do well with that. I still have my moments, times where I get overwhelmed with things and “crumple,” and my wife is there for me to lean on (and vice versa…it’s a good thing we don’t both crumple at the same time very often!). I have been having some personal struggles lately that have nothing to do with SSA, which have been weighing on me. As usually happens when I am stressed and/or down, I struggle more with my SSA, which gets me down more (not like it used to, but still…).

Some of this has to do with career plans and finances, and the crossroads facing me. Not knowing what road to take, not knowing how to solve certain dilemmas, it gets me down. When I read the quote above about the future, I really felt that I could relate. The decisions I am now facing are ones that I sometimes feel should have been made 10-15 years ago; that I should have been a ways down the path I am about to choose, and I am just starting it. So, just when I was about to start a really good wallow, I read this in the same post:: There's more I could say; like the fact that Elder Bateman said: "It is the eternal marriage relationship and the power to create life which produces happiness in mortality and a fullness of joy in the life to come." This got me thinking about the wonderful blessings I DO have, and how much joy my kids bring me.

I had gotten to a point that I was fairly happy with who I was before I got married. I knew that a relationship would never give me any happiness that I lacked within myself, that it wouldn’t change how happy I was with who I was. I still had things I wanted to change and improve upon (like my struggles with porn and masturbation), but I knew it was a matter of time before my life got to where I wanted it to be.

Then I got married and was happier than ever.

Then we had a kid.


I have never been able to put into words the multiplication of joy that simple addition brought into our lives. We wondered and marveled over and over at how complete we believed our lives were, and yet how empty they would be if that child were no longer a part of our lives. Each child we have added has increased the sum total of our joy to where there is hardly room to receive it.

Thanks, Veneno, you have helped more than you can know.

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Facts and Reasoning

The Mormonism I believe in is based on the factual state of the universe, not a blog poll. God's relationship with us is changeable on only one end, ours.

Thanks, -L-, this sums up what I have been trying to say. Your statements about the factual state of the universe echoed what I was trying to say about Truth being universal. Reasoning out that things are a certain way doesn't change how they really are (no more than the Council of Nicea saying the heavens were closed could prevent God from giving modern day revelation).

Having a testimony of the reality of God's existence has, for me, brought great peace of mind in that it guides me and my decisions. It makes them easier, because I don't have to figure out some of the basics and the direction I am heading. It's like when you use philosophy to reason out a decision: if you start from a false or flawed premise, then your logic will lead you to an erroneous conclusion. But, if your premise is sound, then you have your feet on the right track before you start and sound logic will lead you to a sound conclusion. Knowing what I Know, makes the process easier. It brings me peace of mind.

This isn't to say that I am on easy street. I still struggle. I still slip. I still get down about it. I just know what course to set and how to correct my course when I slip off course.

and -L-...thanks for the encouragement.

Thursday, March 02, 2006


Holiness is the strength of the soul. It comes by faith and through obedience to God's laws and ordinances. God then purifies the heart by faith, and the heart becomes purged from that which is profane and unworthy. When holiness is achieved by conforming to God's will, one knows intuitively that which is wrong and that which is right before the Lord. Holiness speaks when there is silence, encouraging that which is good or reproving that which is wrong.
-James E. Faust
Not a whole lot to say today, I just liked this quote.
I have my flaws and I make my mistakes, and I want and try to be better (more holy) than I am.