My thoughts and musings on living a straight, Christian life while dealing with same sex attraction (SSA). Respectful comments are welcomed.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Busy busy busy

I just looked and found that it's been 2 1/2 weeks since I posted. Life has been pretty crazy, and I have gotten too little sleep, so that didn't help. I have thought a lot about my SSA lately, and still don't have any answers about how to go father in dealing with it. I know I need to eventually go back to therapy to be in a better place (not that I am doing to badly now). I still have thoughts and temptations, and it seems that I have had more lately.

When I struggle more, it seems that it is usually because I am more stressed than usual, more tired than usual, or there is some blessing on the horizon that Satan doesn't want me to have. I'm not sure what the case is now, except that I know the sleep deprivation is feeding into it, but not the main cause. I am not particularly stressed, which leaves some blessing (or a more frightening thought, a calling) on the horizon.

I've been too busy lately to go to my Evergreen meetings, but I don't think that factors in to it. At least not in the way you would think. I found that I couldn't develop the close male friendships there the way that I wanted because of the restricions to keep people from messing up (good rules, but that just means that I can't find what I want there). The sad part, is that even with not having attended a meeting for 2 months, I didn't hear from a single person to see how I was doing. It's possible that they realize that I don't struggle so much based on my weekly check-ins, and didn't think I needed to be "checked up on." Still, it would have been nice. I don't mean this to be the pity party that it sounds like (OK, maybe just a bit). The point is that it made me sad to realize that the relationships I had formed there were much more superficial than I had thought.

Anyhow, that's where I'm at now. Just gotta keep on keepin' on.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Trust and Faith

Wherefore, brethren, seek not to counsel the Lord, but to take counsel from his hand. For behold, ye yourselves know that he counseleth in wisdom, and in justice, and in great mercy, over all his works. (Jacob 4:10)

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all they ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. (Prov 3:5-6)

Wherefore, I said unto you, feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do. Wherefore, now after I have spoken these words, if ye cannot understand them it will be because ye ask not, neither do ye knock; wherefore, ye are not brought into the light, but must perish in the dark. (2 Ne 32:3-4)

Sometimes I think we are not given all the answers, because we each have to come to an understanding of the Atonement on our own. Since Christ suffered all things, He knows what we go through in this struggle, and can therefore heal and comfort us. We must still do our part. We must be open and willing to hear what He would tell us, and in the way He would tell us.

Sometimes that means taking a leap of faith and trying to live what we don't yet understand fully, trusting in Him. If any man do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself. (John 7:17)