Why I Fight

Reading back over my previous posts, I realize I could easily be seen as being on a high horse. I don’t consider myself better than others. I have my weaknesses and struggles too. I still have same sex attractions…particularly to men who have good builds. I am still tempted to look at porn and to masturbate, and at times I slip. There is no doubt that it feels good, and those feelings are powerful. In the end, though, I don’t want these things. I want to be worthy to give my wife and children blessings when they are sick or facing difficult challenges. I want to be free from the guilt that comes with self-indulgence and sin.

I have experienced that guilt first hand. I used to be very into pornography, and can tell you that it felt great, but there was always the guilt that followed it. Speaking from experience, sex is much more enjoyable without the guilt. I know, some would say that if I let go of the guilt, I would be happier, that it is a neurotic guilt. I disagree. The guilt was not a learned thing. Conscience is not a neurosis. It is the something we are all born with, and unless we rationalize it away, it can and should be our guide to a happier life. As a matter of fact, the inability or refusal to feel healthy guilt is sociopathic. Still, people say that you should do what you feel and that we have these feelings for a reason and should embrace them. No one would suggest embracing feelings such as hate and anger, but people believe that what you feel sexually should be embraced over one’s intellect and spirit…does anyone else see the contradiction there?

No matter what the theories of men say, and how people rationalize giving in to what they feel, God’s truth is universal, and there are consequences for our choices. What I know of God’s truth, I know too well to rationalize it away. You see, I have a testimony of the religious principles which I claim as my own. I could no more deny that than I could deny the law of gravity. And I know that guilt is only one of the consequences for wrong choices.

The desire to be free from guilt and my testimony are the reasons I fight this battle. I know what is waiting after this life, and I don’t want to jeopardize it. I know that living the gospel (no matter what desires may pull at me) is the key to happiness in this life.