LDS with SSA

Prepare to get ticked off if you stand for gay rights

2006-07-17T04:21:00.000-06:00

I know that this post will make a lot of people mad, but that is up to them. As I have read a lot of blogs, and can see people being seduced by "being true to who they are" and wanting gay rights, etc. I can see the fallacies and lies that are so seductive. I have often wished for the words to help someone see what I see, and save them worlds of pain and discomfort in coming to that same understanding. I simply don't have the words.

Then, I read this article that I found linked in another blog. He is a Christian gay who has lived the gay lifestyle for 20+ years and rejected it. He is very intellectual and argues his point well. He has some great analogies, and while lengthy, it's worth reading. In his article, he exposes the gay rights movement as a neatly packaged front to be sold to the conservative world (the front section of a bookstore with "respectable" titles, hiding the HUGE porn section behind), lulling those coming out of the closet into a false sense of security, while hiding the real view of gay life as being rampantly promiscuous. Here is an excerpt from his article:

A popular definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing, while expecting a different result. That was me, the whole time I was laboring to become a happy homosexual. I was a lunatic. Several times I turned for advice to gay men who seemed better adjusted to their lot in life than I was. First, I wanted confirmation that my perceptions were accurate, that life as a male homosexual really was as awful as it seemed to be. And then I wanted to know what I was supposed to do about it. When was it going to get better? What could I do to make it better? I got two sorts of reactions to these questions, both of which left me feeling hurt and confused. The first sort of reaction was denial, often bitter denial, of what I was suggesting. I was told that there was something wrong with me, that most gay men were having a wonderful time, that I was generalizing on the basis of my own experience (whose experience was I supposed to generalize from?), and that I should shut up and stop bothering others with my "internalized homophobia."
I began seeing a counselor when I was a graduate student. Matt (not his real name) was a happily married man with college-age children. All he knew about homosexuality he learned from the other members of his profession, who assured him that homosexuality was not a mental illness and that there were no good reasons that homosexuals could not lead happy, productive lives. When I first unloaded my tale of woe, Matt told me I had never really come out of the closet. (I still have no idea what he meant, but suspect it is like the "once saved, always saved" Baptist who responds to the lapsed by telling him that he was never really saved in the first place.) I needed to go back, he told me, try again, and continue to look for the positive experiences he was sure were available for me, on the basis of no other evidence than the rulings of the American Psychiatric Association. He had almost no personal experience of homosexuals, but his peers assured him that the book section at Lobo's offered a true picture of homosexual life. I knew Matt was clueless, but I still wanted to believe he was right.
Matt and I developed a therapeutic relationship. During the year we spent together, he learned far more from me than I did from him. I tried to take his advice. I was sharing a house that year with another grad student who was in the process of coming out and experiencing his own disillusionment. Because I had been his only gay friend, and had encouraged him to come out, his bitterness came to be directed at me, and our relationship suffered for it. Meanwhile, I developed a close friendship with a member of the faculty who was openly gay. When I first informed Matt, he was ecstatic. He thought I was finally come out properly. The faculty member was just the sort of friend I needed. But the faculty member, as it turned out, despite his immaculate professional facade, was a deeply disturbed man who put all of his friends through emotional hell, which I of course shared with a shocked and silenced Matt. (I tried to date but, as usual, experienced the same pattern that characterized all my homosexual relationships. The friendship lasted as long as the sexual heat. Once that cooled, my partner's interest in me as a person dissipated with it.) It was not a good year. At the end of it, I remember Matt staring at me, with glazed eyes and a shell-shocked look on his face, and admitting, "You know, being gay is a lot harder than I realized."
Not everyone I spoke to over the years rejected what I had to say out of hand. I once corresponded with an English ex-Dominican. I was ecstatic to learn that he was gay, and was eventually kicked out of his order for refusing to remain in the closet. He included an e-mail address in one of his books, and I wrote him, wanting to know if his experience of life as a homosexual was significantly different from mine. I presumed it must be, since he had written a couple of books, passionately defending the right of homosexuals to a place in the Church. His response to me was one of the last nails in the coffin of my life as a gay man. To my astonishment, he admitted that his experiences were not unlike mine. All he could suggest was that I keep trying, and eventually everything would work out. In other words, this brilliant man, whose books had meant so much to me, had nothing to suggest except that I keep doing the same thing, while expecting a different result. There was only one reasonable conclusion. I would be nuts if I took his advice. It took me twenty years, but I finally reached the conclusion that I did not want to be insane.
So where am I now? I am attending a militantly orthodox parish in Houston that is one of God's most spectacular gifts to me. My best friend Mark (not his real name) is, like me, a refugee from the homosexual insane asylum. He is also a devout believer, though a Presbyterian (no one is perfect). From Mark I have learned that two men can love each other profoundly while remaining clothed the entire time.
We are told that the Church opposes same-sex love. Not true. The Church opposes homogenital sex, which in my experience is not about love, but about obsession, addiction, and compensation for a compromised masculinity.
I am not proud of the life I have lived. In fact, I am profoundly ashamed of it. But if reading this prevents one naïve, gullible man from making the same mistakes, then perhaps...I can at least hope for a reprieve from some of the many centuries in Purgatory I have coming to me.

Well said!

Busy busy busy

2006-04-23T20:43:00.000-06:00

I just looked and found that it's been 2 1/2 weeks since I posted. Life has been pretty crazy, and I have gotten too little sleep, so that didn't help. I have thought a lot about my SSA lately, and still don't have any answers about how to go father in dealing with it. I know I need to eventually go back to therapy to be in a better place (not that I am doing to badly now). I still have thoughts and temptations, and it seems that I have had more lately.

When I struggle more, it seems that it is usually because I am more stressed than usual, more tired than usual, or there is some blessing on the horizon that Satan doesn't want me to have. I'm not sure what the case is now, except that I know the sleep deprivation is feeding into it, but not the main cause. I am not particularly stressed, which leaves some blessing (or a more frightening thought, a calling) on the horizon.

I've been too busy lately to go to my Evergreen meetings, but I don't think that factors in to it. At least not in the way you would think. I found that I couldn't develop the close male friendships there the way that I wanted because of the restricions to keep people from messing up (good rules, but that just means that I can't find what I want there). The sad part, is that even with not having attended a meeting for 2 months, I didn't hear from a single person to see how I was doing. It's possible that they realize that I don't struggle so much based on my weekly check-ins, and didn't think I needed to be "checked up on." Still, it would have been nice. I don't mean this to be the pity party that it sounds like (OK, maybe just a bit). The point is that it made me sad to realize that the relationships I had formed there were much more superficial than I had thought.

Anyhow, that's where I'm at now. Just gotta keep on keepin' on.

Trust and Faith

2006-04-06T01:56:00.000-06:00

Wherefore, brethren, seek not to counsel the Lord, but to take counsel from his hand. For behold, ye yourselves know that he counseleth in wisdom, and in justice, and in great mercy, over all his works. (Jacob 4:10)

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all they ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. (Prov 3:5-6)

Wherefore, I said unto you, feast upon the words of Christ; for behold, the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do. Wherefore, now after I have spoken these words, if ye cannot understand them it will be because ye ask not, neither do ye knock; wherefore, ye are not brought into the light, but must perish in the dark. (2 Ne 32:3-4)

Sometimes I think we are not given all the answers, because we each have to come to an understanding of the Atonement on our own. Since Christ suffered all things, He knows what we go through in this struggle, and can therefore heal and comfort us. We must still do our part. We must be open and willing to hear what He would tell us, and in the way He would tell us.

Sometimes that means taking a leap of faith and trying to live what we don't yet understand fully, trusting in Him. If any man do his will, he shall know of the doctrine, whether it be of God, or whether I speak of myself. (John 7:17)

Soapbox

2006-03-21T21:18:00.000-07:00

I never intended for this blog to be a pulpit for the church's position on dealing with SSA, which is what it has become. The fact that I believe the church's position every bit as much as some believe it is wrong, is beside the point. Because I have stated it as factually as I believe it, some are upset with me. I have been called self-righteous, arrogant, bigotted, been told I am using reaction formation, and quoted as if I had said things with a big "neener neener" (someone actually used those words). I was harsh in one post (and have left it there for the record), and I have apologized to those who were offended, but I also will not alter my conservative stance just because it is offensive to those who are more liberal. (I still say that if one is lobbying the prophet to change his stance based on social or political pressure, then that contradicts the very idea of upholding him as Prophet who speaks for God on earth.)

The sad thing is that I would never speak so bluntly in person. I would make the same points, but I really am much more diplomatic in person. Not long ago, I told a friend that I thought he was making a mistake to date men, that it was taking him away from where he wants to be (based on things he had told me about his goals what he wants). And I was able to do so without giving offense.

Still, I didn't start this blog to spout off from a soapbox. I started it to work out my thoughts and feelings about this issue. The fact is, I don't know if this is really a safe arena for me to do that anymore. Some have been fairly argumentative with me, and some have been openly hostile. As such, I have some trepidation about revealing sensitive thoughts and issues. I'm not saying this to whine, but to express my concerns.

I realize that this is a sensitive and controversial issue, and that not everyone will agree. I don't mind respectful disagreement, but when people get argumentative and/or hostile with me on my own blog, it's irksome.

What's Important

2006-03-13T14:08:00.000-07:00

El Veneno said: It’s a Job-like perspective. All I have to do is get through the now and eventually God will even the score. In the mortal perspective, things could be a lot better.

…and this: I don't want time to keep passing me by. I wish there were a pause button so I could stop and figure stuff out before I go any further. The future freaks me out. I'm scared of looking back in 20 years and feeling like I've wasted my time. I already feel like I've wasted so much time.

I had really felt like I had learned how to cope with stress and trials, to take that Job-like perspective. And most of the time, I think I do well with that. I still have my moments, times where I get overwhelmed with things and “crumple,” and my wife is there for me to lean on (and vice versa…it’s a good thing we don’t both crumple at the same time very often!). I have been having some personal struggles lately that have nothing to do with SSA, which have been weighing on me. As usually happens when I am stressed and/or down, I struggle more with my SSA, which gets me down more (not like it used to, but still…).

Some of this has to do with career plans and finances, and the crossroads facing me. Not knowing what road to take, not knowing how to solve certain dilemmas, it gets me down. When I read the quote above about the future, I really felt that I could relate. The decisions I am now facing are ones that I sometimes feel should have been made 10-15 years ago; that I should have been a ways down the path I am about to choose, and I am just starting it. So, just when I was about to start a really good wallow, I read this in the same post:: There's more I could say; like the fact that Elder Bateman said: "It is the eternal marriage relationship and the power to create life which produces happiness in mortality and a fullness of joy in the life to come." This got me thinking about the wonderful blessings I DO have, and how much joy my kids bring me.

I had gotten to a point that I was fairly happy with who I was before I got married. I knew that a relationship would never give me any happiness that I lacked within myself, that it wouldn’t change how happy I was with who I was. I still had things I wanted to change and improve upon (like my struggles with porn and masturbation), but I knew it was a matter of time before my life got to where I wanted it to be.

Then I got married and was happier than ever.

Then we had a kid.

Wow.

I have never been able to put into words the multiplication of joy that simple addition brought into our lives. We wondered and marveled over and over at how complete we believed our lives were, and yet how empty they would be if that child were no longer a part of our lives. Each child we have added has increased the sum total of our joy to where there is hardly room to receive it.

Thanks, Veneno, you have helped more than you can know.

Facts and Reasoning

2006-03-05T21:20:00.000-07:00

The Mormonism I believe in is based on the factual state of the universe, not a blog poll. God's relationship with us is changeable on only one end, ours.

Thanks, -L-, this sums up what I have been trying to say. Your statements about the factual state of the universe echoed what I was trying to say about Truth being universal. Reasoning out that things are a certain way doesn't change how they really are (no more than the Council of Nicea saying the heavens were closed could prevent God from giving modern day revelation).

Having a testimony of the reality of God's existence has, for me, brought great peace of mind in that it guides me and my decisions. It makes them easier, because I don't have to figure out some of the basics and the direction I am heading. It's like when you use philosophy to reason out a decision: if you start from a false or flawed premise, then your logic will lead you to an erroneous conclusion. But, if your premise is sound, then you have your feet on the right track before you start and sound logic will lead you to a sound conclusion. Knowing what I Know, makes the process easier. It brings me peace of mind.

This isn't to say that I am on easy street. I still struggle. I still slip. I still get down about it. I just know what course to set and how to correct my course when I slip off course.

and -L-...thanks for the encouragement.

Holiness

2006-03-02T23:04:00.000-07:00

Holiness is the strength of the soul. It comes by faith and through obedience to God's laws and ordinances. God then purifies the heart by faith, and the heart becomes purged from that which is profane and unworthy. When holiness is achieved by conforming to God's will, one knows intuitively that which is wrong and that which is right before the Lord. Holiness speaks when there is silence, encouraging that which is good or reproving that which is wrong.

-James E. Faust

Not a whole lot to say today, I just liked this quote.

I have my flaws and I make my mistakes, and I want and try to be better (more holy) than I am.

Choices

2006-02-25T18:35:00.000-07:00

It has been said that the gate of history turns on small hinges, and so do people's lives. The choices we make determine our destiny.

This quote by Thomas S. Monson sums up one of the themes that I have been trying to communicate lately. Small choices are part of how Satan leads us carefully down to hell. Most of us have heard the story of the frog in cold water that gets slowly heated up, and how the frog won't realize he's being boiled to death. I'm sure we can all look and see that pattern in our own mistakes, whether they have to do with this issue or not. I see the same slow slide away from the church in several of the blogs I have read lately, and I worry for those being so lead, but how do I communicate that without giving offense? I'm not sure, maybe there is no way.

Often times, we don't realize that we are choosing one path over another (LDS Gay RM talked about this in this post). Sometimes that is because it doesn't seem that the choice is relevant to bigger things, and sometimes, I think, it is because we talk ourselves into believing that what we are doing is OK. We rationalize away our conscience to allow ourselves to choose a path we know is wrong. Still, we don't always see the end of that path, or we might not choose it (and thus the phrase "carefully lead").

I do know that the Gospel is true, and that even though it may give us some hard choices, it is the best way to happiness. The gospel definition of sacrifice is to give up something important to us for something of greater worth. I know that sacrificing my physical desires about SSA will bring me greater blessings, and are worth what I am giving up.

Strengthening Our Faith in God

2006-02-21T21:24:00.000-07:00

I subscribe to LDS Gems, a daily e-mail of quotes and thoughts. I have used several here on this blog. I got one today that I would like to share. It's by Henry B. Eyring of the Quorum of the Twelve.

However much faith to obey God we now have, we will need to strengthen it continually and keep it refreshed constantly. We can do that by deciding now to be more quick to obey and more determined to endure. Learning to start early and to be steady are the keys to spiritual preparation. Procrastination and inconsistency are its mortal enemies.

Let me suggest to you four settings in which to practice quick and steady obedience. One is the command to feast upon the word of God. A second is to pray always. A third is the commandment to be a full-tithe payer. And the fourth is to escape from sin and its terrible effects. Each takes faith to start and then to persevere. And all can strengthen your capacity to know and obey the Lord's commands. (emphasis added)

This is not to say that if you read your scriptures and pray, that your trials will be taken from you, or that you will suddenly be straight. It means that as we submit our will to God's, we will have the strength and the ability to move past the sins which do so easily bes et (us).

Having the Faith to obey God has been an unstated theme of several of my posts. I can see in the above quote some areas in which I can improve and plan to try to do so.

Apology and reply to comments

2006-02-15T20:08:00.000-07:00

I read a comment on one of my posts that lead to some comments about my blog on some other blogs. I must apologize for any offense. I didn't realize how small the blogging world is when I first started, and I wasn't as tactful as I should have been. I have tried since then to respect the opinions of others, whether I agree with them or not. I will not get into "bashing" sessions through comments, but I will engage in a respectful dialogue when I think both of us can be open to the other person's opinion. (Any disrespectful comments will be deleted, respectful disagreement will not.) For those of you who think that the church is closed minded and bigoted, I don't think we will see eye to eye, so you and I will have to agree to disagree and not waste each other's time further.

My intent was not to offend, nor to be self-righteous (I have a serious dislike for self-righteousness). There are things I am still trying to figure out, and things I still don't live as fully as what I believe.

I do believe most solidly in the Gospel as taught in the LDS church. I know that this life isn't the end and that we have a loving Father in Heaven who wants what is best for us, even when that means difficult trials for us. I believe that the Prophet speaks for God, and following his counsel will bring us the greatest happiness. I believe that we need to use the brains God gave us and understand his counsel, rather than following blindly. Maybe that's what lead me to study psychology (a field which has it's flaws, to be sure, and has a very liberal slant). There is plenty of research showing that sexual orientation is not set in stone, although it is harder for some to change than others. I believe the churches position on homosexuality.

To me, these things (about the Gospel) are so clear, that I am occasionally baffled and saddened when they aren't as clear to others, especially when I see people rationalize grave errors.

I apologize for being tactless, for I see that I was. I apologize if I seemed self-righteous, for that was not my intent.

For those who want to understand more about the church's stance, here are some articles from the Ensign.

Same Gender Attraction by Dallin H. Oakes discusses scientific research and, the churches position on the terms Gay and SSA, and the responsibility of members to love and support those with this issue.

Compassion for Those Who Struggle is an anonymous article by one who has this issue, and responds to those who say it's unfair to give the choice of being celibate or ex'ed.

Thanks to those of you who have been patient with my faults.

Adversity and Humility

2006-02-12T08:47:00.000-07:00

...adversity is a necessary part of Heavenly Father's plan for the happiness of His children. If our hearts are right before God, adversity will school us, help us overcome our carnal nature, and nurture the divine spark within us. Adversity helps us see where we need to repent, to bring into subjection baser instincts, to embrace righteousness
and enjoy 'peace of conscience' (Mosiah 4:3)." -Elder Keith B. McMullin

I have been saving this quote all week, waiting to blog on it (and not having time), but thinking about it a lot. I think it really applies to those of us with this issue. I can't help but wonder if we (or at least some of us) are so strong willed that we need a bigger trial to humble us. Still some fight being humbled and demand answers from God and the church, others of us see ourselves as victims and say "poor, pitiful me" rather than being schooled, or worse yet, blame God for punishing or slighting us. We think that the Church asks too much of us (rather than seeing it as what the Lord is asking of us).

After mulling this all week, we went to see "Joseph Smith: Prophet of the Restoration" at the Legacy theater next to Temple Square. The Lord's answer to Joseph in Liberty Jail really seemed to apply to this issue:

My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment...Thou art not yet as Job

He continues in the next section to say And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?

I find it very easy to think I have been given to much too deal with (especially with this issue), and use that as an excuse to give up, but I know I need to remember that all these things shall give me experience and will be for my good. I need to trust in the Lord and what He has in mind for me.

Aaargh

2006-02-10T21:18:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a hectic week, and that has taken it's toll (and has kept me from posting). I have had less sleep, more stress, and a bit of depression. This has lead to more temptation. While I didn't give in, I flirted with it more than I should. Even now, I am wanting to close this window and go searching. I am not, I chose to write this instead, and now I am going to go take a nap with my wife.

the psychology of Gay vs SSA

2006-02-05T11:55:00.000-07:00

On a blog I read recently, the guy said he was gay/ssa, but wasn't going to get into semantics. I respectfully disagree - I think it's more than semantics. Obviously, I think it makes a difference, as I choose to make the distinction. Here are my thoughts on why.

First, we are told in the scriptures that as a man thinketh, so is he. A motivational saying (not LDS in origin, but compatible with LDS beliefs) says:

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; for it becomes your destiny!

If we identify ourselves in a certain way, doesn't it then follow that our destiny will be guided by that thought about ourselves?? How we identify ourselves has to factor in to how we make our choices, even in the choices we see as available to us. In other words, self talk guides who we will become and how effective we are at what we undertake. Why would we want to work against ourselves that way?

From a less philosophical point of view, Alfred Kinsey was a landmark sex researcher who concluded that sexual orientation isn't all or nothing. He developed the Kinsey scale which shows a spectrum of attraction between heterosexual and homosexual attraction.

The point is that even for those of us dealing with this, it usually isn't all or nothing. To identify as gay would likely be to state the situation as being more extreme than it is.

Maybe you can see yourselves as gay and still see yourselves as having options, but why make the battle harder than it has to be??

Evergreen

2006-02-03T17:08:00.000-07:00

I go to an Evergreen support and accountability group. I will tell all of you what we told a new member in our group this week. It is a safe place, one where you can be yourself and be open. It is a place for support and friendship, a place of growth. Each person takes away something different from the experience. Knowing that everyone there has the same issue removes the worry about being found out, about how people will react, etc. It is a place for healthy male bonding. And it is something of a spiritual experience.

Each meeting opens and closes with a prayer, has a reading of the mission statement, and a lesson. This takes up about the first half hour. The rest of the meeting is for check-in. Each guy has a few minutes to talk about how his week has gone, and to talk about what he is struggling with that week (without any details-like places or websites-that might tempt someone else). He can choose to have feedback from the group, which is to be based on that person's experiences (not advice giving). Then, there after the closing prayer, most of the guys just hang around and visit for a while. There is usually a lot of hugging, if one is comfortable with that.

I come away from each of these meetings very charged up and uplifted. I feel supported and renewed (at the risk of sounding sappy). I have made some good friends, and it has been a very positive experience for me.

Determination

2006-02-02T01:24:00.000-07:00

Sometimes something made to entertain hits upon some great eternal truth, and then the entertainment hits home for all of us. Here is one such truth wrapped up in one simple quote. Dark and difficult times lie ahead...Now is the time that we must choose between what is right, and what is easy.

Ever has this been the choice we as humans have faced, but I think the time is coming when we will not be able to sit on the fence. We will need to take a stand; be determined and not "tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive."

Ascent

2006-01-31T09:51:00.000-07:00

I have always loved this picture. The artist (David Linn) described it's meaning this way: "Living the gospel demands that we help one another climb upward out of the darkness of the world into the light of truth. As the Lord's Church, we form a living chain on the mountain of this mortal existence drawing one another toward the veil, and the presence of the Lord."

Too often, those of us with this issue let our shame keep us struggling in solitude. We need to reach out to others for support and fellowship. Including me. I don't call someone often enough when I am struggling. I going to try to do better at this. I hope you guys do, too.

Frustrating

2006-01-29T20:20:00.000-07:00

My Sunday school teacher is a stud. Do you know how distracting that is? Here I am trying to focus on the lesson and be spiritual, and looking at the teacher, I see a physique I admire and want to be like. Having noticed it before, I made it a point to get to know him a bit to see him as more than his build. He's a good teacher with a powerful testimony, and seems like an all around nice guy. I had succeeded in seeing him differently, but found it a little more distracting after he moved in a way that showed off his build. After that I was distracted for the whole lesson.

Stinks, huh? At least I am able to recognize it as something and someone I admire and even envy, rather than something sexual. Still, I can't spend too much time thinking about it. I know that if I dwell on it when I notice such things, it can in turn lead me to start looking at things sexually (or to look at sexual things). That's part of why I am blogging about it...to change my focus and break the train of thought.

Maybe I need to just start working out so that I am not so envious. Maybe I'll post on my other blog where I am much more public about my identity.

Fairly comfortable in the closet

2006-01-29T09:08:00.000-07:00

I never have been one to tell many people about my struggle. I think there are several reasons for this. There are members of my family who couldn't get past it, there are people at work who couldn't get past it, and there is the possiblity that it would hurt or limit me professionally. Because of these, it hs become habit to keep it in and I don't tell too many friends. Consequently, I only tell people I know I can trust. I would like to be able to be more open about it, but am not willing to risk the fallout and strain on relationships. I guess you could say I am still pretty well closeted.

Not being able to talk about it doesn't make it any easier, which one of the reasons I joined an Evergreen support group. It's also one of the reasons I started this blog. I enjoy getting comments from people with their thoughts, and I enjoy reading other blogs and hearing about what it's like for others. I actually take some support from that.

So, thanks!

I need to get moving!

2006-01-26T23:05:00.000-07:00

Hmmmm...It has been a very busy week. I have had lots of thoughts, but most have going into comments on other blogs. One thing that did rock my view of where I'm at is a scripture (2 Ne 28:20) that says wo be unto him that is at ease in Zion! 2 Ne 28:20-32

I realize that I am too casual about how I live the gospel, in spite of my convictions that it is true. I had to ask myself if I had been pacified and lulled away into carnal security, and I didn't like the answer. Guess I had better get to work!

Why I Fight

2006-01-23T00:02:00.000-07:00

Reading back over my previous posts, I realize I could easily be seen as being on a high horse. I don’t consider myself better than others. I have my weaknesses and struggles too. I still have same sex attractions…particularly to men who have good builds. I am still tempted to look at porn and to masturbate, and at times I slip. There is no doubt that it feels good, and those feelings are powerful. In the end, though, I don’t want these things. I want to be worthy to give my wife and children blessings when they are sick or facing difficult challenges. I want to be free from the guilt that comes with self-indulgence and sin.

I have experienced that guilt first hand. I used to be very into pornography, and can tell you that it felt great, but there was always the guilt that followed it. Speaking from experience, sex is much more enjoyable without the guilt. I know, some would say that if I let go of the guilt, I would be happier, that it is a neurotic guilt. I disagree. The guilt was not a learned thing. Conscience is not a neurosis. It is the something we are all born with, and unless we rationalize it away, it can and should be our guide to a happier life. As a matter of fact, the inability or refusal to feel healthy guilt is sociopathic. Still, people say that you should do what you feel and that we have these feelings for a reason and should embrace them. No one would suggest embracing feelings such as hate and anger, but people believe that what you feel sexually should be embraced over one’s intellect and spirit…does anyone else see the contradiction there?

No matter what the theories of men say, and how people rationalize giving in to what they feel, God’s truth is universal, and there are consequences for our choices. What I know of God’s truth, I know too well to rationalize it away. You see, I have a testimony of the religious principles which I claim as my own. I could no more deny that than I could deny the law of gravity. And I know that guilt is only one of the consequences for wrong choices.

The desire to be free from guilt and my testimony are the reasons I fight this battle. I know what is waiting after this life, and I don’t want to jeopardize it. I know that living the gospel (no matter what desires may pull at me) is the key to happiness in this life.

Tests, Storms and Truth

2006-01-18T00:15:00.000-07:00

I found this quote by Henry B. Erying today:
"The great test of life is to see whether we will hearken to and obey God's commands in the midst of the storms of life. It is not to endure storms, but to choose the right while they rage. And the tragedy of life is to fail in that test and so fail to qualify to return in glory to our heavenly home. . . .It will take unshakable faith in the Lord Jesus Christ to choose the way to eternal life. It is by using that faith we can know the will of God. It is by acting on that faith we build the strength to do the will of God. And it is by exercising that faith in Jesus Christ that we can resist temptation and gain forgiveness through the Atonement."

I also found this quote on another blog (and he says it much better than I can)
The gospel IS true. There are NOT mistakes in it. We are NOT forgotten nor abandoned by God. And, most importantly, we were NOT made by God to be gay. And just in the same way that I can't provide empirical statistical data to show the veracity of the Book of Mormon, or the plan of salvation, I simply can not provide that kind of "proof" of my testimony of these things either. And I wouldn't want to be able to.
OK, so it doesn't have the same impact that it did in context of his original post...you may want to read it.

So many in the liberal establishment will tell us that we are prejudiced, bigoted, immature, closed-minded, etc for sticking to our convictions. I could go on and on about how so many think it is offensive to be conservative, but conservatives can't be offended without being seen as prudes. But I won't. I will say that it would be SO much easier to go along with the crowd, or to give in to desires that are inappropriate in God's eyes, especially when we are being told left and right to give in and do what you feel, to let the storm toss us where it will. Well, that's not why were here. The test is to see if we will use our intellect and our spirit to overcome our base desires and urges and live as God has commanded us. And for those who think I am out of touch with this opinion, I am ok with that. I am only out of touch with the theories of men. God is the most sure fountain of truth, and as long as I am not out of touch with Him, then I'm in good shape.

Some people just don't get it

2006-01-13T21:29:00.000-07:00

I did a search on blogger today to see how many other blogs there are with the same theme as mine. I stumbled across a blog entry by a gal who has several gay friends about 4 "gay Mormons." She posted links to the blogs of those 4 self-confessed "gay Mormons," and I couldn't help but think that some of them have missed some crucial points.

For me, it is just this simple: we have been told that we "shall live by every word which proceedeth forth out of the mouth of God," and that we should take the words of the prophet as if they came from God's own mouth. This makes issues of right and wrong very simple. The Proclamation on the Family makes it very clear how we should live, including those of us with SSA. Now, if you don't believe that the LDS church is led by a prophet, then that's different, and if you call yourself Mormon and don't believe that, then you need to do some soul searching. I do believe this principle, and know that following him is the right thing to do. When people talk about deprogramming in those posts, I don't see how they can believe that the church is led by a prophet. Some of them say that they believe in the church, but not it's stand on homosexuality. IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY...IT'S ALL OR NOTHING (imho). It's not a smorgasbord where you can pick and choose.

One of the 4 mentioned above talked about going on gay dates, and had talked himself into believing that he could be an upright member of the church. It really appeared that he couldn't see that this was one of the first steps in walking away from the church.

Part of having SSA (at least for me, and I know for quite a few others as well) is about not having had adequate male bonding in my life, about the unfulfilled need for healthy male relationships. I can't say that I haven't thought about what it would be like to indulge my desires and have a relationship with a man. Since I don't know very well how to build normal healthy male relationships, it's easy to imagine something else. But, I value what I get from being a member of the LDS church more. That is why I have stayed the course, served a mission, found a wonderful woman I could love and marry in the temple. That is why I have tried to fulfill the callings I have had honorably and keep my desires in check, and to find healthy appropriate ways to meet those needs.

Maybe I just value my membership in the church more than they do. I certainly value it more than the short lived pleasure I would get from indulging my desires. Maybe it really is as simple as "they just don't get it."

An Introduction - Gay vs SSA

2006-01-13T16:01:00.000-07:00

Well, I am doing it...I am joining the world of bloggers to spout off my thoughts to the world. I find myself in the somewhat unique position of being LDS and dealing with same sex attraction. I reject the label of being gay, as that implies an acceptance of the lifestyle and the orientation. I reject both, and am determined to live a Christian life. I am not gay, but I do deal with same sex attraction.

I am writing this as a form of self-disclosure, to be able to talk about the issue, but I will not be talking about myself a lot (at least not in specifics). I am an active LDS man, married with kids, and I'm temple worthy, though not perfect. I still notice and think about men, but I am trying to improve my track record on that, as I work on dealing with my same sex attraction or SSA.

I subscribe to the reparative therapy philosophy (instead of the gay-affirmative philosophy). The reparative philosophy is that orientation can be changed, that it isn't set in stone. There is plenty of research to back this up, people just don't hear it due to the liberal establishment. If you want to know more, you can go to one of various websites to learn more... Evergreen International is a good place to start. If you want more info on my point of view, just ask. Or, wait and I will put up some links on my blog. Whether you agree with this position or not, it is my position. I am not writing this to invite criticism or argument, but to explore my journey in dealing with SSA. Questions are welcomed, arguments are not.

Anyhow, that's a good basic overview of my position. Questions??